July15, 2014

July 15, 2014. 5:30pm and 6:20pm. Happy birthday beautiful little girls.

My sweet Aimee and Grace:

What a joy it was to meet you! The little girls that have been so playful inside of me for months- you are beautiful.

God answered so many of our prayers this week. The timing of your birth, although it was always going to be too soon, was perfect. The staff at the hospital were well prepared for us and absolutely lovely. Our families including my mom(!) were able to be right by our side through it all. Annelise was awake and ready to welcome you into the world the minute you arrived. God sustained my body through the process and we got to meet you safely and with a natural birth. Your daddy was by my side the whole time. The way friends and family near and far supported and loved us was incredible to experience.

Thank you Lord. It is a comfort to know that You weep with us.

Aimee and Grace. After my waters broke I could feel you both spring to life even more fervently. The fluid that had cushioned me from feeling you as intensely was gone and I cherished those hours where I could feel you full of life. Aimee our hearts burst with joy at the sight of you wiggling and kicking your way out during the delivery, you are so athletic! Your were born heart beating strong and lungs willing to breathe. We were so thankful for the time you spent with us. We knew you could hear us and feel us including Annelise who rushed to meet you. You held on strong until Grace arrived and you both went to heaven together.

Grace you were so peaceful when we first met you. I’ll never forget both of your warm little bodies resting on my chest. We knew you could hear us as your heartbeats were fading so we quickly told you how loved you are and daddy prayed over you, kissing you head to toe. Your skin was so soft and perfect and smelled of fresh life. I just kept telling you both that it was ok. It was sad but I wanted you to go be with Jesus now. It was time.

Sadness and exhaustion was mixed with pride and joy as I watched people meet you and cuddle you both. Your daddy was the first to examine you head to toe and we laughed as we compared your hands and toes to my own…they were my fingers and toes! Your daddy was so gentle and overwhelmed with love for you both. It made my heart melt. Annelise got to examine you, say hello, poke you as any big sister would and say ‘bye bye.’ After everyone had gone we bathed you in warm water and swaddled you up to say goodnight. It felt so natural.

Jeffrey and I enjoyed imagining your personalities. The way you entered the world, Aimee, we imagine you are similar to Annelise: full of energy, wanting to move and be independent, someone that would give Annelise a “run for her money.” Grace you had such a peaceful way about you even as you were entering this world and the way you came out told us you want to be different. We imagine you as the peacemaker, a gentle, quiet girl. We are excited to someday find out.

I missed you immediately but I did not feel the fullness of having empty arms and an empty belly until the next day as I was walking out of hospital without you. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move. I wept.

That night as we put your big sister to bed, Jeffrey and I looked at each other. We always pray for the babies at bedtime and we decided now would be no different. We will always pray for you with Annelise and imagine you with us in heaven.

We love you sweet girls. Our hearts are hurting because we want you here with us. We trust God and thank Him that He is hugging you tight for us right now.

All my love, Mommy

We really do have so much be thankful for this week. The wonderful hour that Aimee lived and breathed with our family meant so much to us but went far too fast, as did the many hours we spent cuddling their precious little bodies. Aimee and Grace are truly a gift and we are so thankful for them. Although it has been over a week since their birth the reality hasn’t yet set in and everything still feels like a dream. Did this really happen? Am I really never again going to feel their little kicks?

It’s amazing to look back on our prayer requests and see how God answered each of them. We are so thankful for the prayer support we received. God was gracious. As much as we begged for the miracle of meeting them with healthy little bodies or having the some option to ‘fix’ them with surgery or medicine this wasn’t to be. But God granted us a smooth induction of labor and a natural delivery. Breaking my waters released me of what doctors estimate to be about five liters of fluid which gave my body such relief and my lungs a chance to expand again. Just when doctors said they didn’t want my body to be in labor much longer things began to progress and the babies came soon after, saving me from having to have another cesarean. Jeffrey and I got to experience a somewhat “normal” labor and delivery in a very quiet, private, peaceful environment. Our midwife invited Heartfelt to attend our birth, an organization that takes professional photos for free of stillborn or terminally ill children. Everything took place at very reasonable hours of the day so that it wasn’t difficult for our families and most importantly Annelise to be immediately present.  Aimee and Grace each weighed about 1.2kg or 2.4/2.5 pounds. I see a lot of similarities between them and Annelise and I know that I will see them in her little nose and round cheeks forever. And as Jeffrey noted, all his girls have matching hands and feet. J I find that incredible.

These past days have been so emotionally exhausting that at many points I just feel numb. Nearly every day has been filled with something that I believe would equate to any parent’s worst nightmare. The first few days after delivery I spent most of my time trying to suppress my body’s desperate desire to feed babies (ouch) and organize thoughts for a funeral service. Last Friday Jeff and I visited the funeral home because I really wanted to see Aimee and Grace one last time. I wanted to swaddle them and picture how they were going to be laid to rest. As hard as this was, I’m thankful we did this. We put them in soft little onesies and swaddled them in Annelise’s old blankets so that they would look like any other newborn should. Their bodies were cold and to be honest I desperately wanted to climb in the coffin with them to keep them warm but they also looked even better than before. The bruises and swelling had diminished and their little noses had taken shape. They looked peaceful and I’m so thankful for that image of them in my head.

Last Saturday our wonderful church helped us hold a beautiful funeral service for the girls. In a way I felt lucky. Many babies die without ever having the chance to be acknowledged and many Moms and Dads suffer in silence. My babies were so loved and honored in the way that people came from near and far to show their support. It was truly a celebration of their lives.

On Monday our family made its way to Tathra, six hours south of Sydney. My heart ached as we approached this beautiful part of the world; a place that we love so much, and now a place where our precious daughters would be laid to rest. It can be quite cold and wet here in winter, so with the little strength I had, I asked God for a beautiful day. Praise the Lord Tuesday morning welcomed us with blue sunny skies and still peaceful air.

My stomach was in my throat as we walked towards the freshly dug hole that their beautiful tiny white coffin would soon be laid in. So many of our friends were there to help us celebrate and honor their lives in such an amazing way. My eyes were filled with tears and at times I couldn’t really see who was around me but I could hear the songs and the prayers that thanked God for Aimee and Grace and I enjoyed the chorus of cows and birds in the background. Everyone seemed to notice this too. The sound of both the cows and the birds hit a crescendo just as the service commenced and to me this was God’s way of reminding me that all of creation is His and Aimee and Grace are singing praises to Him in heaven right now. In a way it felt good to weep and grieve and release Aimee and Grace that day back to their Creator. As much as it was my worst nightmare come true, it was covered in peace, just as we had prayed.

To some people it may seem silly to hear that it will take time to adjust to life without Aimee and Grace because they really didn’t spend much time on this earth at all. But as any Mom knows, a Mom knows her babies long before they are born. They are your constant companions, your best little friends. I really miss them. Little comments will bring me to tears for many years to come, I’m sure. Annelise lifting my shirt and asking for the babies; the questions that will come when ladies at the park notice I’m no longer pregnant; hearing a newborn cry; listening to pregnant women complain about pregnancy woes. Of course this is understandable, I just ache to remind them that having a healthy baby is the most incredible gift in the world. Only yesterday I thought I was coping pretty well until I called my GP to make an appointment and her secretary nicely asked if this appointment was for me or my newborns. Oh how I wish it was for them.

Jeff is taking some extra time off and we are enjoying our time on the South coast. I know that going back to Sydney and trying to resume ‘normal’ life will be hard for all of us so we thank you for your continued prayer. Despite all the sadness and pain we really have felt an incredible amount of peace and we know God is here. Thank you for your love and support.

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart.' Jeremiah 1:5