One year...

*Don't they look so soft and sweet and delicious? :) 

The first birthday of our twin daughters Aimee and Grace is quickly approaching. July 15th. I have been thinking every day about this time last year when they were still alive and with us: what we were doing, what we were feeling, what we were facing. I remember so well the kicks, the scans, the fear, the dread, the anticipation of getting to meet them. It's hard to know what to do this year. I want to celebrate their life. I want to plan a first birthday party. I want to mourn the fact that they're not here to plant their faces into frosting or try to stand and walk on wobbly legs.  I want the world to remember what they mean to us. I want to know who they would be today.

Annelise on her first birthday :)

The only thing that felt right was being as close as possible to their physical bodies. So, that's where we are headed.

My sweet precious babies. You made me a mother to three girls. You girls gave me the chance to know what it felt like to have two active, wiggling, kicking babies inside. We are so thankful for the time we did get to spend with you: cuddling you, kissing you, and watching you squirm. We loved marveling at your little hands and feet, bathing you and swaddling you. We love you so much and we always will.

 I look at pictures every month of Annelise when she was your age. I can see you both in her chubby cheeks and wrinkled up smile. The change of seasons makes my memories of you stronger. With each crunching leaf and cold breath of air I'm brought back to last year when you were still with us, when you were born, and when we said goodbye. A few weeks ago your daddy and I were watching TV and out of the blue he said "that girl has a little nose like Aimee's" and I knew you remain just as alive in his thoughts too. 

God is gracious and in time heals our hearts. I no longer cry every day. With that though comes guilt…guilt that I’m forgetting you or that I don’t love you as much as I did when you were physically with us.
I wish I had the opportunity to raise my twin girls. As exhausting and challenging as it would undoubtedly be, I would give anything to watch you grow together, separate but identical sisters.

We are thankful to be welcoming our fourth baby next month. At first Annelise thought her baby twin sisters were STILL in my tummy and she was going to get to see them again.  She knows now that this precious baby is a different one and that you girls are in Heaven. She talks about you often, asks to see pictures and names her dolls after you. It both breaks and melts my heart when she says  “I put aimee and gracey doll in da pram and take dem to the park to see jumbo jets mama?” (her favorite pastime). I wish we had the pleasure of sharing these joys with you!

This past year has been such a struggle. A struggle to process and grieve…how do you really process the death of your children? We are stumbling through as best we can. A struggle with anger and jealousy….seeing healthy twins everywhere we look, imagining others taking their newborns home and the deep emptiness that we brought home instead, watching God give others the desires of their heart. I got to hold them, touch them, feel them and kiss them. But it’s not enough. It will never be enough for a parent.We have struggled to comprehend the sovereignty and goodness of God.  Does prayer really work? Does he really want the best for us? Does He see us? When I feel overcome by these questions or feelings I have told myself I will simply repeat “Bless the Lord, Oh my soul.” I may not feel it or even believe it in that moment, to be honest, but I have found that it sometimes it helps my focus. At times all I want is to be six feet underground, curled up around my babies. In these moments all I really can do is choose to recite that phrase.

Expecting a new baby has been such a blessing and also very challenging. It does not bring back my twin girls. This isn’t my “second child” as it appears to everyone else. Annelise has already become a big sister once. But other than photos I have nothing to show for the two that I carried, the girls that made us a family of five. At times , as I mentioned, I worry that because I don’t cry every day anymore that my love for them is fading or that I’m forgetting them. Feeling this baby kick is wonderful but so quickly brings me back to the hours I would spend just laying with my girls, feeling them move so freely and independently.

In the same breath, the emptiness I felt when I left Aimee and Grace behind at the hospital or watched their bodies being covered by dirt is a feeling that I cannot describe. They are part of my heart, part of my very being. I know God is using the gift and anticipation of this new little life to heal some of that ache and for that I’m so thankful.

I have learned a lot with regards to what it means to “rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn.” I’ve realized that true empathy means simply being with someone in the midst of an unfair or tragic situation. No Bible verse can take away their pain. No words of hope or encouragement will truly speak to their hearts until they feel less alone. I am convinced that helping someone look for a "silver lining" in a tough situation is often because the other person is uncomfortable sitting with the depth of ache that the person must feel. Life is unfair and some situations will never make sense in this broken world. This has helped me in my interactions at work and I know God will use it in future relationships as well.
Ive also realized that to Rejoice with someone when life is going well may truly be harder than it sounds...

I have thought lots about what I want this day to mean to me. I want to remember our daughters, of course, but I want God to use this day of remembering for good. The word Gratitude keeps coming to mind. I am overwhelmingly thankful for our little Annelise that has been given another day of life. That God entrusted her to me. That despite all the ups and downs of life, I am where I am. I ask that you join me in being grateful today. Hug your family a little tighter. Stop and give your kids a cuddle. Really enjoy the next meal you get to eat. And if you are struggling to be grateful for your life right now just repeat the phrase “Bless the Lord Oh my Soul” over and over and over. It’s not a magic fix. God doesn’t work like a genie who gives you all that you want to keep you happy. But maybe it’ll help your heart as it has mine just to keep your eyes fixed on Him.

(a song that has made me think of my babies every time I've heard it this last year for some reason even before I knew what the music video was like.
"Wait for me to come Home" sweet girls).

I am proud and thankful to call them my babies. xx