My Heart

 how often do you get to sit on both your siblings at once? :)

Always saying hello to the babies

27 weeks along.

2 Corinthians 1 says “…for we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead…on Him we have set our hope that He will deliver us again.” Is this experience driving me to my knees? Driving me deeper into Christ? At times I feel angry and exhausted, and I can’t imagine that being the case. Why us? Why twins? Why now after an already challenging year? But I cling to my faith in a God who loves us, who doesn’t leave us, who has not forgotten us.

I know it’s normal to feel angry when grieving but it’s also agonizing. To feel angry with and abandoned by the God who knit me together and “knows when I sit and when I rise” is a lonely place to be.  I know I’m not alone in these thoughts and feelings. I’m sure many of you have been here, wondering where God is, why nothing can seem to go right. I know I’m not alone because David often cries out to the Lord in such a way in the Psalms. Lamentations 3:17 says “my soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say ‘my endurance has perished; so has my hope from the Lord.” It is embarrassing to be transparent in these feelings but it would be a lie to say anything else.

I recently read a book entitled “Future Grace” by John Piper. He challenges the reader to look for the “grace given in the circle of grace denied.” When I stop to look, I see that this year has been so full of “grace given.” Amazing albeit newfound friends in our churches both in Lismore and here in Sydney have offered support and care that surpasses anything I could imagine. Friends and family near and far have consistently been so patient with us, encouraging, generous, caring, tender, prayerful and understanding. I am overcome when I think about the goodness and love that you have shared with us and how God’s grace has been revealed through you. Thank you.

Last week we met with a team of doctors, both the obstetric and neonatal teams, to discuss a plan for the birth and palliative care of our babies. Armed with books and snacks for Annelise we walked into a potentially confronting meeting with peace in our hearts. The neonatologist was lovely and she opened the discussion with a refreshing acknowledgement. “I really think it is wonderful what you are doing for these babies.” It was really what we needed to hear.  She commended us for being brave enough to give these babies a shot at life. She answered questions we had about what our time with Aimee and Grace would look like if they are born alive and what to expect after they pass away. Annelise charmed her way into their hearts and I was glad they got to see us as a family.

In his book “Future Grace” John Piper also says “not believing in the sovereign rights of God to manage the details of your future is arrogance. Yield to the sovereignty of God.” I know God has our future in His hands and in the spirit of yielding to His sovereign plan I want to ask for a few specific prayer points as we face labor and delivery at anytime. I know in my heart that we will look back on this all and see God’s hand in it.

Please pray for:

- Complete healing for their little bodies. I know its not impossible with God so we can ask.

- Both Aimee and Grace have extra amniotic fluid around them. This means that I have become bigger very quickly which is painful and I am more uncomfortable than I should be. This also means that my body may not be able to go to term. Please pray God gives my body the ability to cope and that His timing is perfect for their health but also mine when I do eventually go into labor.

- Earlier in this pregnancy I was diagnosed with ‘bicuspid aortic valve disease’ please pray that my heart will continue to withstand the extra load of twin pregnancy.

- Our doctors are suggesting we try a normal delivery as opposed to cesarean. The benefits of this would be that I would be that I could potentially get pregnant again in the future, that my recovery would be quicker, the birth environment in the maternity ward would be much nicer and more comfortable than the operating theatre and I would be able to spend time with our twins straight away after birth. I missed out on the first few hours of Annelise’s life because I required a general anesthetic for her birth and I do fear that happening again because I may miss out on seeing my girls altogether. A natural birth is very stressful for a sick baby though and there is a chance they may not survive this type of birth. It is a very hard decision to make and there is no guarantee that even if we went through a cesarean that it would give us time with them. We have been faced with so many difficult choices. Please pray that we make the right choice and that God would give us peace in this. Please pray that that God may give us some time with these precious girls, to see their personalities and hear their voices. We would love for Annelise to meet "her babies".

- Please pray that God will sustain us through the next period as we prepare for Amiee and Grace to enter this world and give us peace, showing us that He is truly in control of every detail. The moment I fear most is the moment when I will have to hand my babies over to a stranger, lifeless though they may be at that point. They will be safe and rejoicing with Jesus, I know this, but the thought of not having those little bodies with me anymore, the babies that have been so full of life inside of me all year, is agony. I know that God can even cover that moment with His peace.

Thank you again for sharing this journey with us.